The walls my heart built are my protection and my prison.
I learned from a very young age that the people who are supposed to always love you and protect you may end up being the people who leave you and hurt you the most. I learned from a very young age that the people you want to trust — the people you should be able to trust without question — are not always worthy of that trust.
My heart broke for the first time at a very young age. I learned how to mend the broken pieces of my heart together, but it was never to be the same. The innocence that I once knew was gone and my ability to feel secure and love unconditionally as any young child should was overshadowed by my fear of losing more loved ones… my fear of feeling more pain. So, I built a wall around my heart. It was not a strong wall, but it gave my heart a protective barrier — one that could easily be broken down by those I felt secure enough to let in.
My walls have never been fail proof. They allowed some people in who should never have been able to inhabit my heart — even for a moment. They allowed pain and betrayal to seep in — some of which were so harmful that I never thought my heart would ever recover. These walls have also kept me from forming real relationships with people who opened their hearts to me — people with whom I could never allow myself to do the same.
With each heartbreak and betrayal, my walls become stronger and stand taller around my heart. I find myself trusting less and allowing fewer people in. I find myself hiding behind my walls, even with people who love me and people I know I should be able to trust wholeheartedly. As I grow older, I find myself being able to forgive, but never forget. If you have broken my trust, I may let you back in, but never in the same way as before.
The walls I built as protection around my heart have also become my prison. While my heart remains safe, it feels so empty, so alone. I am tired… so tired. I wish I could let people in without question. I wish for the day when I can let my guard down and show people who I truly am without worrying about whether or not I will be liked or accepted. I wish for the day when I no longer feel the need to run away or hide. I wish for the day when I can allow my heart to love fully and live without fear of pain and loss and broken trust and betrayal. I wish for the day when my heart feels whole enough and strong enough to break down the walls I built around it so long ago.
One day, my walls will come down. But, for now, my heart remains protected and imprisoned–waiting for the day when the feelings of security are able to calm the overwhelming fears and the feelings of pain and loss are no more.
But, for now, I wait.