Since I was a little girl, I’ve been boy crazy. In elementary school, my girlfriends and I would make out with our Duran Duran posters on the wall. In high school, I was convinced that when I went to England, I would bump into Morrissey on the street and he would fall in love with me. Throughout adolescence and early adulthood, I was willing to try to make any guy I found attractive fit into the role of being my boyfriend, which often backfired. I have been blessed to have several gems in my life, but for the most part, ANYONE was my type and it seemed that the more disconnected I was from myself, the more radically painful experiences I had in dating. I became a relationship junkie, always looking for the next relationship that I hoped would cure the feeling of loneliness. Up until now, I have spent the last couple of decades making relationships with men my primary focus in life, and the thing that I used as a measuring stick of my self-worth and value. As you can imagine, this didn’t end well.
After moving to a new city and having come out of a fairly destructive relationship that brought more personal growth than I could’ve ever asked for, I thought it would be a good idea to try online dating.
You know. For fun.
I told myself the story that it would be a great way to meet men to become friends with, since maybe being friends first wouldn’t backfire. I told myself that I wasn’t searching for a relationship. I probably told them this also. You see, there was a part of me that wanted deep soulful connection with a partner and a part of me that was not at all ready to find that. This became abundantly clear when one man after another came into my life, triggering my least impressive behaviors and most self-deprecating thoughts. They were graciously reflecting back to me that it was time to be single, something I’d known for several months and dug my heels in the ground to avoid. And by single, I mean alone, not searching for a partner.
This was new territory for me.
How did I get to be 40 years old and now know how to be alone with myself? I mean, I love spending time alone, but when I am alone, I noticed this painful habit of constantly running from myself and the difficulty I’d had with just BEING with myself and loving my own company. I thought as a Coach, I should know how to do this for myself. I noticed how painful it was for me to accept the fact that I didn’t know how to just be still with myself. I noticed all the judgments and fear I had about never being worthy enough to be in a partnership with someone who fully meets me. I noticed how I was putting so much responsibility on another human being when I was relying on their presence in my life so I could feel secure, stable, and not alone. These realizations prompted me to take a break from dating and become consciously single, rather than single and looking for my next partner. I had no idea how i was going to do this.
Enter Matt Kahn and the ‘I Love You’s’.
The topic of my first Matt Kahn event was on Soul Contracts, Twin Flames and Soul Mates. As I sat down in my first Soul Gathering, I had no idea what the subject was going to be and as soon as I found out, I burst into tears and began laughing hysterically. I had just come from a less than desirable dating experience and told myself I am done and I need help with knowing how to move forward. Matt’s transmission, and my ability to dialog with him about my dating experiences cracked me open to self-love in a way I hadn’t experienced before. Matt teaches a process called ”Loving what Arises”, which essentially is a way for us to love the parts of ourselves we have judgments about, ignore, hate, think should be different, reject, etc. The premise is that everybody needs more love, not less. Believe it or not, this was revolutionary for me and was the one thing I hadn’t tried.
So, I began to say ‘I Love You’.
It has been going something like this: ‘I love you. You are so worthy. You are valuable. I am sorry if I have been ignoring you. I know there are some really intense feelings in there. I love the one that feels unlovable. I love the one that feels unworthy. I love the one that just wants a F*%KING partner and doesn’t want to have to go through this crap to find one. I love the one that seeks validation from others. I love the one that doesn’t feel safe enough to be in a relationship. I love the one that desires partnership. I love the one I am judging. I love the one that doesn’t know how to do any of this. I love the one that wants others to be different. I love the one that is afraid of being alone. I love you so much. I am here for you. I see you. I feel you. I am listening. Please keep talking to me.’
There is something that has woken up inside of me because of this. It is the part that has desired to hear these words my whole life and I can feel how ‘I Love You’ is changing me on a cellular level. I found myself feeling moved to tell people I barely even know that I love them, because really, who doesn’t want to feel loved? I said these words to two of my male friends and found myself prefacing it with ‘Don’t take this the wrong way, but…’, which made me realize how scary it can be for people to both say and hear those words.
This process is allowing me to feel much more connected with, and loving towards myself. It’s allowing me to slow down, notice when things get uncomfortable, and send love to those parts rather than try to change them. It has made me more loving towards others. It is opening parts of myself I once kept hidden. It is inspiring me to give people more love, not less, especially those men I’d dated who served their purpose of helping me to love myself in a deeper way. Thank you, former Tinder dates. I love you.