80% Off Means The Outnet is Basically Free Right Now


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If you’ve been flapping your gums about updating your underwear drawer, shoe situation and pants then join me, won’t you, in the looting of The Outnet. It’s throwing an 85% off party, which means everything is basically free if you’re good at rationalizing things in a hyperbolic way.

Now shhh.


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No words, just shopping.

(Breathe deeply while you do this so that we can both say we meditated today.)

Here’s a list of things to maybe get:

First, for under $10, a pair of full-bottomed underwear that will not give you mitten butt, which is where the leg holes are too tight so they cut the lower portion of your cheeks into little mitten thumbs.

For under $30, a pinky ring with a cool stone.

For under $40, reallly great white flare/wide leg Michael Kors pants. Buy these now and save for summer. Worth it.

For under $55, these MM6 Maison Margiela shorts that are a cross between board shorts and something Katharine Hepburn might wear in Bermuda to a formal dinner. (For a few baby bucks more, here are the ones she’d wear to a black tie — still in BDA.)

For right at $55, these cool Cavalli (yes!) fitness leggings.

For under $75, here’s what you should wear to New Year’s Eve if it’s even just a little bit disco-themed.

For under $80, a fluted, ankle-length Tibi skirt that can carry you through at least three holiday parties.

For under $85, hubba hubba

For under $100, an Isabel Marant skirt to save for May then wear through September.

For under $120, how about these glittery Moschino slides to wear forever?

For under $130, very odd-but-I-don’t-hate-them Miu Miu heeled rain boots.

For under $140, cropped Maiyet pants in case you’re sick of jeans.

For under $150, gold Stella McCartney platforms that are like the going out version of Dr. Scholl’s.

For under $165 and size 40s, say hi to these Rochas heels.

For under $200, a perfect Carven cable knit that you will have to fight me for.

!!! For $306, THESE DOLCE SOCK BOOTS. SIZE 37s: GO GO GO!

Finally, because I refuse to go higher than this for an Outnet clearance sale, for under $400, we have one very pink satin Miu Miu dress.

Now hurry up, shop quickly (this shit goes fast!) and tell me what you get!

Now for some shopping questions: Can You Wear a Beret Without Looking Like an Asshole? Do You Have Shopping Paralysis?  Not to clickbait you but…can you believe all of the ways (5) that this floral jacket thing can be worn?

Collage by Emily Zirimis.

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